Hollywood Adjacent

Fri-Daily Variety And The Makings Of A Web Film Masterpiece?

2009-07-27T19:50:00.000-07:00

Bill Friday, writer/producer of the soon to be in production Web film code name: Jonny GITMO, sat down for a few questions (and shots of espresso) with the staff of Hollywood Adjacent.

Hollywood Adjacent: Bill, thanks for taking time out of what must be a crazy schedule to be here.

Bill Friday: No problem. Ever since we got the greenlight, I've learned that things like this are a part of the schedule now. And since I used to be a part of Hollywood Adjacent, it only seems right that I talk to you first.

Hollywood Adjacent: Well thanks. So, tell us about the film.

Bill Friday: The working title is code name: Jonny GITMO. It's about a young man who is captured by U.S. forces in Iraq, and mistakenly identified as a terrorist, then held in Guantanamo by our Government for several years.

Hollywood Adjacent: Sounds very current.

Bill Friday: But with a twist. After years of this prison experience, he has a crisis of faith...

Hollywood Adjacent: His Muslim faith?

Bill Friday: Yes. And after his eventual release, he becomes a contract killer.

Hollywood Adjacent: With the code name of Jonny Gitmo?

Bill Friday: You got it.

Hollywood Adjacent: Who does he work for?

Bill Friday: That's the thing. After everything that's happened to him - call it his "identity crisis" - he no longer has an "identity". Everything he once stood for or believed has either been stripped from him, or given up voluntarily, to the point where the man he was no longer exists. It's kind of a play on the words of Ortega y Gasset. You know, "I am myself and my circumstance." In Jonny's case it's, "I am no longer myself."

Hollywood Adjacent: Deep.

Bill Friday: Not really. Not the way I'm doing it.

Hollywood Adjacent: And how is that?

Bill Friday: Pure exploitation... with subtitles. Robert Rodriguez says subtitles turn any film into an "art film".

Hollywood Adjacent: Now that's deep.

Bill Friday: I really hope so.

Hollywood Adjacent: This is your first film, correct?

Bill Friday: Uh-huh. Until recently, I had never expected to produce anything - let alone be in charge of the production. I've had a couple of scripts make the rounds, but this is the first anything that's grown legs, so to speak.

Hollywood Adjacent: Your release says that you're in pre-production. What kind of time frame are you looking at for the project?

Bill Friday: The est of the Summer will be spent on what's left of script development - boards, blocking, casting, scouting locations. After that, say around mid-September, we'll shoot. L.A. has some really interesting seasonal lighting around October. I hope to capture as much of that through the lens as we can while it's there. Ultimately, we're hoping to screen some before the end of the year.

Hollywood Adjacent: And you'll keep Hollywood Adjacent posted?

Bill Friday: Absolutely. You'll know before anyone else.

Hollywood Adjacent: Is there anything that you've learned in working on this project that would sum up what it's been like so far?

Bill Friday: Yeah, there is. People say that there's no such thing as an "overnight" anything in this business, and I know that's true. But while that's true, I can't believe this is all happening so fast. One day, you're writing for free on somebody's website, the next, someone wants you to make a movie.

This is one crazy town.

Jon Minus Kate Equals Unreal Hollywood Adjacent Interview

2009-05-30T06:59:00.000-07:00

None of the following is real. We mean it! There... you've been warned.

Redondo Beach, CA

Celebrity parents of 8, Jon and Kate Gosselin did not take time to sit down at popular Peet’s Coffee in Redondo Beach to give the straight scoop on their highly-publicized, tabloid break-up to Hollywood Adjacent.

Hollywood Adjacent: So Jon… Kate… thanks for taking the time for coffee and a little chat…

Kate: We’re not paying for this coffee, are we? It’s in the contract. We don’t pay for anything… ever!

Hwd Adj: Not to worry. We run a tab. And now that the Ad Sense has kicked in, it’s a write-off. So now that the two of you are no longer a couple, how are you and the kids coping with your new lives?

Jon: Well, I…

Kate (interrupting): Everything is great, depending on what your definition of “great” is. Jon is currently living with his personal assistant. She’s a lovely girl. Very photogenic. I hear the camera loves her. [To Jon] How old is she now Jon… sixteen?

Jon: Twenty-three.

Kate (looks at Jon): Yeah…twenty-three. And I bet she still has the uterus of a twenty-three-year-old too! I have a uterus like a clown car. Right now, I’m looking at property here in the L.A. area. The Learning Channel may greenlight the sho w with Nadya Suleman. The working title is, 8 Plus 8 Without A Mate. How do you like it?

Hwd Adj: Great. So folks, who’s watching the kids?

Jon and Kate (together): The nannies.

Hollywood Adjacent: I see. So, speaking of the kids…

Kate: We love our kids.

Jon (staring into his coffee): The kids… love… kids.

Kate: In fact, everything we do, we do for the kids.

Jon (voice drifting): Love… kids. I quit my job for the kids.

Hwd Adj: Jon, you seem sad.

Jon: I miss the…

Kate (interrupting): …The kids, we know, Jon! We get it. You miss the kids! Maybe you and the assistant would like to make some more kids, Jon!

Jon (to the interviewer): I don’t think so. (whispering) She won't let me stimulate her ovaries.

Hwd Adj: Stimu… what?

Kate: That bitch!

Jon: It's just, you know, I dno't think she likes...

Hwd Adj: Kids? Doesn't she teach 3rd grade?

Jon: Well, not kids. Just...

Hwd Adj: Your kids?

Jon: Her kids.

Kate: Can we get on with this?

Hwd Adj: Of course. So... Kate, the season premiere of Jon and Kate Plus 8 pulled almost 10 million viewers. I wonder if you had anything to say about why the ratings for this show almost doubled since the tabloids got a hold of the story…

[At this point in the interview, a tall, gray-haired man approaches the table.]

Gray-Haired Man: Time’s up. This interview is over.

Hwd Adj: And who are you…?

Gray-Haired Man: I’m the man who tells you, “This interview is over.”

Jon (leaning in): That’s the bodyguard.

Hwd Adj: TLC said I get you both for half-an-hour.

Gray-Haired Man: We’re done here. (to Kate) We’ve got a book signing at Costco then another interview with Joel McHale. C’mon babe. Don’t want to be late for that.

Kate (laughing): Oh, that Joel McHale (Kate gets up to leave). The last time that happened, he somehow found those pictures of Jon at that bar made their way onto The Soup. Oh, what crazy memories we have of that. Do you still have memories of that night Jon? What was the name of that bar again, Jon?

Jon: Memories.

Kate: What Jon?

Jon: The bar is called Memories. Near the College.

Kate: The College, right… I miss College. Don’t you miss College Jon?

Jon (smiling): Not lately… not anymore.

[Kate and the Gray-Haired Man start to leave Peet’s Coffee, where a black limo is waiting for them, just outside the front door.]

Hwd Adj (standing up): Kate, if I could just get one more...[The Gray-Haired Man puts a hand on the Interviewer's shoulder, pressing him back into the chair.]

Hwd Adj: Hey! Don't touch me...

Gray-Haired Man: Don't touch you, or what?

Hwd Adj: Or I'll make a lot more money.

Kate (looking at the Interviewer): He's smarter than he looks. I'll make sure Nadya gets your number.

[Kate and the Gray-Haired Man leave.]

Hwd Adj: Wow. Well, I guess that wraps things up.

Jon: What are you talking about?

Hwd Adj: It’s okay. I got enough here. You got enough here.

Jon: I haven't. Do you know a place a guy could get a drink around here? I could use a beer. I could use ten beers.

Hwd Adj: Isn't that what got you here in the first place?

Jon: I saw a place... one block up. You want to walk? I could use a walk. I could use ten walks. (pulls out cell phone) Gotta let my assistant know where I am.

Hwd Adj: Old habits die hard, huh?

Jon (on phone): Deanna? It’s Jon... No, they're with the nannies. I’m wrapping up the interview with the guy from Hollywood Adjacent… Hmm, I’ll ask…

Hwd Adj: What’s up?

Jon: She’s on her way over. She wants to know if she can bring a few friends.

Hwd Adj: Hey, why not!

Jon (on phone): I’ll ask him. (to the Interviewer) Her friends want to know if you have a video camera.

[the Interviewer nods.]

Jon: We’re on. Me too. Bye.

Hwd Adj: What was that about?

Jon: Oh, nothing... nothing. So, how good are you with that camera?

[Jon and the Inerviewer leave Peet’s and walk to the bar up the street.] *

* The above is a work of fiction. None of what you've just read happened, will happen, or should happen - ever - period. This Blog Site is dedicated to the writing of FICTION. If any of what you've just read did happen, HOLLYWOOD-ADJACENT is unaware of it, and does not claim to possess any knowledge of it.

Remember, while truth may be stranger than fiction... fiction is funnier. Laugh people.

Laugh.

Hollywood Adjacent Bans Scientology From Editing Its Pages

2009-05-28T02:40:00.000-07:00

LOS ANGELES—

Following the lead of Internet misinformation giant Wikipedia,

which Friday blocked all input from recognized Church of Scientology IP addresses, celebrity blog HOLLYWOOD-ADJACENT has needlessly followed suit by blocking all 10 million members of the religious organization from making edits on articles that appear in its

pages.

In a needless response to the announcement, members of the church, founded by the late science fiction writer L. Ron Hubbard, even famous ones like Tom Cruise and Giovanni Ribisi, have vowed to lead a boycott against the new blog. Several in particular have voiced their extreme displeasure with the decision by the staff of HOLLYWOOD-ADJACENT – the only celebrity blog created for no other reason than the telling of obvious false, disclaimer-filled, somewhat fictitious stories about ridiculously well-known people.

Nevertheless, in a statement issued by a public watchdog group calling itself STars all UP In your Dumb face™, celebrity spokesperson – and former secret Scientologist – Brandy Norwood said,

“The only reason HOLLYWOOD-ADJACENT exists is to spread obviously false, disclaimer-filled, fictitious stories aboutridiculously well-known people. I, as one of those people, choose to boycott HOLLYWOOD-ADJACENT, and bring as much unnecessary attention to what it says, as possible. We believe the best thing we as cultists can do, is to bring this blog to the attention of the entire world as quickly as we can. As former public figures no longer on the celebrity radar we understand that by telling everyone in the entire world about HOLLYWOOD-ADJACENT, we see that the only way to expose the site for what it is, is to make it as hugely popular as need be, right now!”
When asked to give justification for its actions in suppressing the free access of the Church of Scientology from editing its pages, an un-named source within Wikipedia referred HOLLYWOOD-ADJACENT to a Fox News story, which pointed out that in the past, Wikipedia has also blocked a corporation (Overstock.com) and an entire sovereign nation (Qatar) from editing its pages as well.

Interview requests made by HOLLYWOOD-ADJACENT to Scientology critics Matt Stone and Trey Parker (see Scientology security photo--at right) have so far been unsuccessful.

All sources quoted in the story were paid.

None of the sources who were paid for their quotes told the truth.

Dodgers' Manny Ramirez Prepares For Secret Sex Change

2009-05-25T12:19:00.000-07:00

Breaking News From Mannywood Adjacent

LOS ANGELES.

A source close to the Los Angeles Dodgers has told HOLLYWOOD-ADJACENT that suspended left-fielder Manny Ramirez purchased – and intended to use – the women’s fertility drug HCG (human chorionic gonadotropin) to reverse the effects of off-season, “stage 1” GENDER REASSIGNMENT THERAPY.

Ramirez was penalized 50 games without pay by Major League Baseball for violation of its banned substance policy. According to information uncovered by HOLLYWOOD-ADJACENT, it was during the emotionally turbulent days between the end of the 2008 baseball season and the day he finally signed a two-year, $45 million deal with the club that Ramirez became serious about the idea of Gender Reassignment, in what was believed to be the player’s way of dealing with many of the unresolved emotional issues from his previous perceived rejections at the hands of hi s former employers the Cleveland Indians and the Boston Red Sox.

This radical move, in the mind of Ramirez, would have cemented his place in the annals of baseball history by making him the first woman ever to play professional baseball on the Major League level.

Fearing that the left-fielder's switch from male to female might endanger his client's long-term earning potential, Scott Boras, who represented Manny in his negotiations with the Dodgers, quickly agreed to terms with the team, even taking a loss in the process. Boras had originally anticipated his client’s contract worth to be in the neighborhood of $100-150 million over the next 4-6 years. This, however, was not to be.

The same source in the Ramirez camp told HOLLYWOOD-ADJACENT that it was because Manny had experienced,

“Such a roller coaster of emotions that he considered such dramatic changes in
every aspect of his life.”

But it was not until May 7 – the day his drug suspension was announced – that Manny issued this thinly-veiled statement regarding his mysterious off-season happenings, through the players’ union, where he said,

“Recently, I saw a physician for a personal health issue.He gave me a medication, not a steroid, which he thought was OK to give me.”

While Anti-doping experts said the absence of HCG, coupled with the league's action, indicated that the Dodgers outfielder used steroids, could it not, just as easily, indicate a change of heart?The assumption within Major League Baseball was that the 37-year-old Ramirez had used HCG as a means to mask his recent steroid use. HOLLYWOOD-ADJACENT has learned that such an assumption could not be further from the truth.

Within the last 24 hours, HOLLYWOOD-ADJACENT has learned from a lone source inside MLB that Ramirez told them that, following his winter of emotional longing brought about by an uncertain future in baseball, he even toyed with the idea of - following completion of his Reassignment - the possibility of pursuing motherhood.

All the sources asked not to be identified because they were not authorized to speak publicly about the test results.

When news of the suspension reached Dodgers owner Frank McCourt, a cover story was devised by Boras, whereby Ramirez would either “confess” the use of HCG for a lingering bout of erectile dysfunction, or reluctantly accept the possibility of a league-imposed, two month vacation without pay.

Ultimately Ramirez, and Boras, chose the latter.The truth be told, it was ultimately the stigma attached to a legacy of Manny no longer being Manny that reluctantly made the player’s mind up for him.

NOTE: Attempts by HOLLYWOOD-ADJACENT to have Ramirez – or agent Boras – comment on this story, have so far, been unsuccessful.

Perez Hilton Marries Woman - And Not Adam Lambert - In Mexico Ceremony

2009-05-20T05:57:00.000-07:00

May 20, 2009 – Cancun, Mexico

Celebrity blogger Perez Hilton shocked guests and employees of the Le Blanc Spa Resort in Cancun on Monday when he mistakenly married a female housekeeper in a brief poolside ceremony after being spurned by American Idol finalist Adam Lambert.

Late Monday night, Hollywood-Adjacent was given details of the wild, 72-hour, convoluted series of events that culminated with Hilton’s nuptials with 47-year-old Rodrigua Antonia Escalante, a guest services technician at the Le Blanc. The intimate gathering was spontaneously catered by friends of the bride, as well as many of the hotel staff.

This unexpected weekend revelation, coming on the heels of the blogger’s self-generated media firestorm over Miss USA runner-up Carrie Prejaean, was no more stunning than Hilton’s proposal to – and rejection by – Lambert. According to sources, Hilton proposed marriage last Friday (by text message) to the 25-year-old singer. Following Lambert's rejection of the proposal (also via text) Hilton spent the weekend at the resort blogging and texting by the pool while consuming large quantities of the house specialty, Cadillac Tequila Cosmos. It was sometime during the weekend that Hilton first met Escalate, believing her to be a male assistant massage therapist at the hotel.

In recent days, Hilton – born Mario Lavandeira – had appeared to shift the emphasis of his once self-described desire, “…to be the gay, Latino Oprah.” Since the Prejean incident, Hilton has been seen posturing more as a gay, Latino activist.Until this weekend. Informed that Mexican law has no provision for so-called “gay marriage” – only “civil unions” with limited legal guarantees and protections for partners – Hilton sadly said goodbye to his bride, as a black limo took him away to the local airport.

Unconfirmed sightings of Hilton (in disguise) at both the final American Idol performance show - as well as the season finale - continue to place him in near-proximity to Lambert.