None of the following is real. We mean it! There... you've been warned.Redondo Beach, CA
Celebrity parents of 8, Jon and Kate Gosselin did not take time to sit down at popular Peet’s Coffee in Redondo Beach to give the straight scoop on their highly-publicized, tabloid break-up to Hollywood Adjacent.
Hollywood Adjacent: So Jon… Kate… thanks for taking the time for coffee and a little chat…
Kate: We’re not paying for this coffee, are we? It’s in the contract. We don’t pay for anything… ever!
Hwd Adj: Not to worry. We run a tab. And now that the Ad Sense has kicked in, it’s a write-off. So now that the two of you are no longer a couple, how are you and the kids coping with your new lives?
Jon: Well, I…
Kate (interrupting): Everything is great, depending on what your definition of “great” is. Jon is currently living with his personal assistant. She’s a lovely girl. Very photogenic. I hear the camera loves her. [To Jon] How old is she now Jon… sixteen?
Jon: Twenty-three.
Kate (looks at Jon): Yeah…twenty-three. And I bet she still has the uterus of a twenty-three-year-old too! I have a uterus like a clown car. Right now, I’m looking at property here in the L.A. area. The Learning Channel may greenlight the show with Nadya Suleman. The working title is, 8 Plus 8 Without A Mate. How do you like it?
Hwd Adj: Great. So folks, who’s watching the kids?
Jon and Kate (together): The nannies.
Hollywood Adjacent: I see. So, speaking of the kids…
Kate: We love our kids.
Jon (staring into his coffee): The kids… love… kids.
Kate: In fact, everything we do, we do for the kids.
Jon (voice drifting): Love… kids. I quit my job for the kids.
Hwd Adj: Jon, you seem sad.
Jon: I miss the…
Kate (interrupting): …The kids, we know, Jon! We get it. You miss the kids! Maybe you and the assistant would like to make some more kids, Jon!
Jon (to the interviewer): I don’t think so. (whispering) She won't let me stimulate her ovaries.
Hwd Adj: Stimu… what?Kate: That bitch!
Jon: It's just, you know, I dno't think she likes...
Hwd Adj: Kids? Doesn't she teach 3rd grade?
Jon: Well, not kids. Just...
Hwd Adj: Your kids?
Jon: Her kids.
Kate: Can we get on with this?
Hwd Adj: Of course. So... Kate, the season premiere of Jon and Kate Plus 8 pulled almost 10 million viewers. I wonder if you had anything to say about why the ratings for this show almost doubled since the tabloids got a hold of the story…
[At this point in the interview, a tall, gray-haired man approaches the table.]
Gray-Haired Man: Time’s up. This interview is over.
Hwd Adj: And who are you…?
Gray-Haired Man: I’m the man who tells you, “This interview is over.”
Jon (leaning in): That’s the bodyguard.
Hwd Adj: TLC said I get you both for half-an-hour.
Gray-Haired Man: We’re done here. (to Kate) We’ve got a book signing at Costco then another interview with Joel McHale. C’mon babe. Don’t want to be late for that.
Kate (laughing): Oh, that Joel McHale (Kate gets up to leave). The last time that happened, he somehow found those pictures of Jon at that bar made their way onto The Soup. Oh, what crazy memories we have of that. Do you still have memories of that night Jon? What was the name of that bar again, Jon?
Jon: Memories.
Kate: What Jon?
Jon: The bar is called Memories. Near the College.
Kate: The College, right… I miss College. Don’t you miss College Jon?
Jon (smiling): Not lately… not anymore.
[Kate and the Gray-Haired Man start to leave Peet’s Coffee, where a black limo is waiting for them, just outside the front door.]
Hwd Adj (standing up): Kate, if I could just get one more...[The Gray-Haired Man puts a hand on the Interviewer's shoulder, pressing him back into the chair.]
Hwd Adj: Hey! Don't touch me...
Gray-Haired Man: Don't touch you, or what?
Hwd Adj: Or I'll make a lot more money.
Kate (looking at the Interviewer): He's smarter than he looks. I'll make sure Nadya gets your number.
[Kate and the Gray-Haired Man leave.]
Hwd Adj: Wow. Well, I guess that wraps things up.
Jon: What are you talking about?
Hwd Adj: It’s okay. I got enough here. You got enough here.
Jon: I haven't. Do you know a place a guy could get a drink around here? I could use a beer. I could use ten beers.
Hwd Adj: Isn't that what got you here in the first place?
Jon: I saw a place... one block up. You want to walk? I could use a walk. I could use ten walks. (pulls out cell phone) Gotta let my assistant know where I am.
Hwd Adj: Old habits die hard, huh?
Jon (on phone): Deanna? It’s Jon... No, they're with the nannies. I’m wrapping up the interview with the guy from Hollywood Adjacent… Hmm, I’ll ask…
Hwd Adj: What’s up?
Jon: She’s on her way over. She wants to know if she can bring a few friends.
Hwd Adj: Hey, why not!
Jon (on phone): I’ll ask him. (to the Interviewer) Her friends want to know if you have a video camera.
[the Interviewer nods.]
Jon: We’re on. Me too. Bye.
Hwd Adj: What was that about?
Jon: Oh, nothing... nothing. So, how good are you with that camera?
[Jon and the Inerviewer leave Peet’s and walk to the bar up the street.] *
* The above is a work of fiction. None of what you've just read happened, will happen, or should happen - ever - period. This Blog Site is dedicated to the writing of FICTION. If any of what you've just read did happen, HOLLYWOOD-ADJACENT is unaware of it, and does not claim to possess any knowledge of it.
Remember, while truth may be stranger than fiction... fiction is funnier. Laugh people.
Laugh.
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